I’m a little less freaked out and panicky today! Yesterday was really an emotional rollercoaster but I did my best to just feel the feelings and recognize that reality and my brain are not always in alignment. This morning I woke up feeling calmer and more rational about everything, and able to verbalize my concerns a bit more logically! The thoughts that keep surfacing are worries that I might not be able to lose any more weight, and disappointment in myself for losing the control I had over my eating. A few months ago it didn’t feel like I was following a strict program, it just felt easy and normal and truly effortless. Now almost every food choice is a struggle.
I feel like a lot of the things I’d like to do with my life – becoming a group exercise instructor, or a weight loss counselor, or a health and fitness writer – are dependent upon completing this weight journey and reaching my goal. Who’s going to take weight loss advice from someone that can’t take those last 60 pounds off? So I feel like every minute I waste by eating things that don’t support my weight loss goals is a minute farther away from a career change. Somehow I need to keep that thought in the forefront of my mind when faced with a food choice.
Another factor in this whole internal drama is that a lot of people have told me they’ve been inspired by watching the changes in my body over the past couple years. You’d think this would be a good thing – and it truly is – but there’s a flip side (in my mind) to every compliment. I feel like a fraud since I know that if they really saw how I’ve been eating for the past month or two they wouldn’t be so inspired anymore! I know this is my own weird issue and I need to work through it, but it really weighs on my mind sometimes. Of course, the easiest thing would be to get back to eating in a way that I feel is in alignment with my goals…but I guess that’s easier said than done.
I know it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, and I should just accept compliments gracefully and be thankful that I’ve had a positive impact on a few folks. Everyone struggles and I hope that I can at least handle this rough patch in a way that lets other people know that we’re all human and that keeping quiet about the internal battles isn’t always the best way to get past them. I’m definitely proud of the progress I’ve made so far and am happy that if nothing else I’ve been able to maintain my loss for the past few months while simultaneously increasing my fitness level.
So that’s where I’m at this evening, feeling a bit less dramatic and a lot more reasonable. I guess I just need to ride out this wave of emotion and try not to use it as an excuse to go completely off the rails and eat everything in sight. I think I can do that. I’m just going to concentrate on not gaining any weight back for the next few months while I try to work through some of these issues. Rena gave me some great advice today:
don’t think. instead, b r e a t h e….
And that’s exactly what I’m going to do.